i am not selfish for wanting to be loved kindly

Chungking Express (1994) directed by Wong Kar-Wai

I got into an argument with someone because I said that her boyfriend sucks. He does not treat her well. He forgets all her favourite things and demands a lot from her. He even sent me a message on Instagram once, asking me, if I knew any place that sells cheap necklaces to buy for their Valentine’s Day. Mind you, I’m not close with this girl but she has mentioned a few times that she is not a big fan of wearing a lot of jewellery. Things my friend does for me to make me happy—he cannot do that for his girlfriend. She asked me to list everything I expect from a partner if I were in a relationship now. I listed things like kindness, good emotional intelligence, genuinely listening, etc. She looked at me, and said, “No wonder you’re single. That is so selfish.”

I never thought or believed that wanting mutual respect, honesty and love was selfish. Perhaps, it is why I’m very sceptical of many relationships and marriages because, from an outsider’s perspective, it always looks like one person is doing so much while the other is relaxing. People bring up the 50/50 discussion, but should we be splitting respect? Shouldn’t we both be giving our 100% to each other? Is that not real love?

When I first watched Chungking Express, I was in awe at the cinematography and dialogue. Another aspect that caught my eye was how the characters showed love for the people they liked. There is a character who helps and supports the man she likes. Our generation wants relationships where they gain a lot and receive affection without effort. There is even a cultural narrative that love requires self-sacrifice. While some level of compromise is present in relationships, love should not come at the expense of your emotional well-being. Some girls I know talk about their romantic relationships with their partners as if it is a wild battlefield, and they are warriors.

I do not find it appealing or attractive when they talk about how they had to stop all their hobbies and stopped seeing their friends as a “compromise” for the relationship. That sounds like a prisoner situation. I would never give up my writing for a romantic relationship. If I feel a type of way, and I communicate it, and someone tells me I’m selfish, then I will pack my bags and be out the door. The idea that asking for kindness is selfish perpetuates a harmful belief that suffering and enduring pain is a testament to love. This is why I never enjoyed watching films or reading books about tough love interests who constantly put their partners under stress to “test their love.” Love should not require someone to endure cruelty and pain in the name of devotion.

Relationships, when rooted in mutual care, thrive on reciprocity. I am not selfish for wanting kind love, because love, at its best, is a two-way street. It is not about one person continuously giving while the other takes. By desiring kindness, I ask for a relationship where we feel cared for, supported and understood. The way it should be.

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“Love is not selfish. Love is something else.” — Morten Tyldum