am i capable of love?
do i actually want love or just proof that i'm loved?
I remember listening to all the relationship problems that my old classmates in high school used to have with their boyfriends. Some would cry. Others would complain. Honestly, it confused me that anyone would be dating someone they hate or don’t like. I sat in a small room at lunch to enjoy and savour the silence. One of my classmates came in, with tears flushing her face. She ranted about how her boyfriend didn’t understand her. After a while, I asked, “Why don’t you break up?”
She looked at me as if I suggested she should climb Mount Everest naked. “Oh, Tunmise, you don’t understand. I need a boyfriend for proof.” I was so lost on this ‘proof’, that I asked her to elaborate. “By having a boyfriend, it shows you are loved.”
Her words stung me. Why should I be in a romantic relationship to show I’m loved when I have my family and friends who love me? When I have my faith? I felt weird. It doesn’t help that since I’ve entered the university, nearly everyone I know is on a dating app. Nearly everyone I know is attending parties in hopes of finding the one. I’ve had to reflect on what I want and need. The truth is that I hold no desire to pursue a romance now because I have other priorities. I’m young so let me have fun.
Do I want a romantic relationship or do I want other people to see that I have it?
I often question my capacity for love. I always remind myself that love is not a fixed state, but a journey of growth and transformation. I am embracing change and allowing myself to experience the risks and rewards of emotional investment. I’m always open to questioning and exploring my capability for love. My ability to be a “good lover” is influenced by my approaches to relationships. I need to focus on self-care and understanding my own needs to become a better lover. With all these whisperings, I care for my heart and emotions before I take care of anyone else’s.
There is a paradox of wanting love versus desiring proof that I’m loved that centres on the distinction between genuinely desiring a deep emotional connection and seeking validation of my worthiness. Desiring love in its truest form means seeking deep and meaningful connections with others—sharing experiences and growing together. This desire is driven by my need for emotional intimacy, where we are both vulnerable and authentic with each other and with ourselves. However, desiring validation that I’m loved stems from the need for external validation. It is usually driven by fear. The need for ‘proof’ becomes a way to mitigate these fears and gain a sense of security.
The truth is that love comes from a place of internal validation, where I feel confident and secure in my own worth. I’m learning with baby steps but I’ll get there—one day.
“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” — Zelda Fitzgerald
at the end, everyone is capable of love. And you have just laid out everything leading up to that motion.
I often think about this. I think it's tough staying strong in that belief that you know what you want and are not swayed by the feeling of 'falling behind'. Hard but worthwhile