when taylor swift said you're on your own kid, you always have been
i felt that
I’m always thinking of the concept of friendships and relationships. I think it’s an odd concept to think of. It’s both comforting and frightening.
Having people that you can call or message, that make you belly laugh with tears coming out remind me of the warm hot chocolates I get on snowy, winter nights. Knowing the comforting touch of a friend or the shoulder of a lover to rest your head on, there’s a lot of sweetness that coats us all in its hot chocolate foam.
But then I guess the other thing that eats at the back of our minds is, what if?
What if we have a fight and we’re unable to reconcile? What if you get bored of my presence and go off and find someone else is, who is more interesting? What if we were to drift and neither of us makes the first step to just send the text? What if I say something that disappoints you? What if you do something that makes me realise you’re like the others? What if I never get to hear your laugh? What if you never get to hug me and hold me close?
Those are things running in my mind that I try not to overthink, but they end up crawling back in, seeping in to the abyss of my mind. I’ve lost a lot of friendships, that is something I will not deny. My friendships have evolved and changed over time. I don’t even think I knew what I wanted in a friendship when I was younger. I sort of wanted someone around that made me smile, and I was content with that. When I was 7 years old, I was very eager to meet new people and talk. 10 years later, I’m not quite as eager. See, there’s a few factors needed and I have just grown tired of always being disappointed or being left unsure of what I did wrong. Leaving me to succumb to my own overthinking thoughts.
I remember last year when a girl from Chile came to do exchange at my school. At first, I thought we had a very good connection and got along well. I even brought her to my house and we were in my bed watching funny videos, eating and just having raw conversation. As time went on though, she talked to me less and less, and ignored me more and more. Even in group settings, she wouldn’t really acknowledge my presence anymore. I never asked her if I did anything, because my philosophy is that if you have a problem with me, you address it with me. But looking back now, I wonder if I should’ve brought it up with her. I think what did me, was when she finally left New Zealand to go back to Chile, and she dedicated an instagram story to the main people she hung out with, with she put 3 other girls and not me. Now I try not to put emphasis on linking my friendships with social media but given how she had been acting with me, I took it to heart. Months after she left, I finally got the courage to reply to one of her stories where she was dressed beautifully. I hoped to start conversation with her and maybe amend whatever was going on between us. Several weeks passed and she did not reply to my message but what hurt more was seeing her post and be active knowing my message to her went on delivered. Quietly I just unsent the message. Back at school there was another girl from Germany on exchange; me and her bonded over our love of kpop. I remember she was showing her insta messages to me and that’s when I saw that the Chilean girl had been talking to her since she left. I didn’t say anything but in my mind I could only think of how hurt I was.
That was just one of the many examples of misunderstandings and friendship mishaps I’ve had. I don’t like to reminisce about the past or make something nostalgic that shouldn’t be remembered, but every now and then it’s nice to reflect back on the memories you had with someone even if you’re not together. From May to August, I was talking to a Spanish boy who I thought was going to be someone special. I was wrong. Although I don’t want to think about him too much, it was nice having some company, you know?
Another one for me was probably my friendships at school. I don’t do ‘friend groups’ anymore, I mostly do one-on-one friendships just because of my experience of being in a friend group didn’t work out. I think my mistake was joining an already-formed friend group that had history with each other. They had known each other since they were 11-12 years old, some even younger than that. I remember feeling excluded and left out, and then finally leaving. And honestly? I think it was the right choice. I think I want people to know that don’t let some people who hurt you stop you from meeting like-minded people that care about you. In January 2023, I did a Hands-On program and met who I know call my babes. Ruby, Charlotte, Ava, Merlyn, Claire, Mother Emily, Sumsi, Neeka have showed me that friendships don’t have to be painful. No words can describe the tears and anguish I felt on the last day when we had to all go home. I think a huge aspect of making good friends is your external environment. My high school is very very white. Filled with a lot of privileged, rich girls. While not all of them are bad, you can imagine the mindset and behaviour of most of my classmates. It made me very pessimistic, thinking man is these who I have? Luckily, I have Ronglei, who has seen me in my all my stages, the good, the bad and the absolutely terrifying, I love you so much. So you see, friendships aren’t painful but rather are very dependent on your environment and what you make of it. I will not miss high school and I know many others who feel the same way. It’s okay if you don’t meet your ‘ride or die’ or your future spouse at high school because high school is such a small section of your life, there’s a bigger world ahead of you.
This is where the lines between nostalgic because of the person or nostalgic because of the memories blur. I have friends who tell me to forget about certain people for the way they treated me but the memories I had make me smile fondly, and the temptations of ‘what if?’ seem to leak in. I used to get very angry with myself when I catch my mind wondering through memory lane and find myself missing someone or a group of people who don’t even think about me or made me feel left out. But I realise that it’s okay, you’re not necessarily missing the people, you’re just missing the memories you made with them. And learning to separate these concepts saves a lot of hurtful emotions.
I get people that ask me, ‘how are you so detached and calm on these things?’
Firstly, get a good crying playlist; second get good food, and finally, I write and write and write. I don’t know why there’s so much stigma against expressing sadness and regret when a friend or lover leaves, it’s a part of life. If you want to ugly cry to your friend group excluding you, do so. If you want to scream and throw a tantrum on someone you loved cheated on you, do so. I appear calm because I already had my crying session on my own. Sometimes I wonder if Taylor Swift was right when she said ‘you're on your own kid, you always have been’ but I guess, although those lyrics hit me in the heart and made me sob in a thousand languages, I guess I’m not really on my own when I have the few tender people in my life that keep me warm hearted.
I guess I’m not on my own, am I, Taylor?