racial "preferences" in dating and why it’s racist
some of you are not gonna like this one
“Sorry, I’m not into black girls.”
“Asian boys are so hot and submissive.”
“Where the snow bunnies at?”
“Latina women are too toxic. I’d never be with them.”
“Man, she’s really pretty but I’d only date her if she’s white.”
These are real comments I’ve heard people say by the way. I didn’t make them up. Time and time again, people never fail to astound me with how they lack critical thinking skills. I think a lot of people who say these sorts of comments I’ve listed above don’t realise that exclusively liking one race is not a “preference” and at its root is inherently racist and shows one’s racial bias.
Take an orange and an apple for example; you may prefer eating apples over oranges and most times you’ll eat an apple but if you come across a really tasty orange, you’ll eat it and occasionally may have some oranges. This is a preference. But if you only choose to eat apples and refuse to eat oranges, that is no longer a preference; you just simply don’t like oranges.
A preference is liking or preferring something more than another thing, not excluding it. See my point? But when we apply this to race and ethnicity, it becomes a daunting line that reaches over to racism that many people don’t seem to grasp well. On the other hand, there is also the aspect of someone wanting to date you not because they like you as a person but because they have a fetish for your race. This topic is quite broad so I’ve decided to split it into three parts:
Race “Preferences” Are More Racist Coming From White People
Race Fetishes Are Weird
Internalised Racism Within People of Colour
Glossary: ‘Wahala’ is Nigerian Pidgin borrowed from Hausa and means ‘Trouble’. In the Hausa language, ‘No Wahala’ actually means ‘No worries’ but it got borrowed by Yorubas and is now used widely in Nigeria and several parts of Africa. In this substack, Wahala is used as ‘Trouble.’
Race “Preferences” Are More Racist Coming From White People
I remember talking to a Zimbabwean girl at a conference-camp I attended back in high school. Somewhere along the lines, the conversation switched to relationships. I teased her about a white boy who was also at the conference, who made it very obvious that he liked her. She told me that he already asked her out and she said no. Curious, I asked her why, considering at the beginning of the conference-camp she said she wouldn’t mind dating someone there.
She said, “my sister, yes, he is handsome. yes, he is nice but what about his family? i don’t want to deal with wahala. no matter how cute he thinks i am, in the world out there, me and him will never be on equal footing.”
From that, we changed the conversation and talked about other things but her words still rang in my head very clearly. Nearly every person of colour I have spoken to who said they wouldn’t date or marry a white person has stated their reasons being based on cultural differences, families, language differences, etc. Here are some of the wide range of different responses I’ve received from several people:
The reasons listed above by people of colour are very understandable. Many people of colour would prefer dating/marrying fellow people of colour because their partner would understand (or be very open to understanding) the cultural aspects of their identity: food, the family environment, etc. In contrast, when many white people are asked why they wouldn’t date a person of colour, what I find is that some white people’s reasons are rooted in bigotry. I’ve heard white people say that it’s because they don’t find people of colour attractive and when our debate continues and we get to the root, I find it is just their racial bias talking.
People of colour tend to gravitate towards each other (especially in predominantly white spaces) because of social and cultural similarities. As well as, a shared understanding and experience of inequality and social injustices. On the other hand, white people usually root their racial “preference” based on stereotypes they have created about people of colour and physical attributes (e.g. dark skin, curly hair, etc) that they have deemed unattractive and undesirable.
When some white people are called out on this front, the argument they use is that if their POC partner truly loved them then they should be able to educate them about the social and racial injustices that people of colour face, as well as their culture.
There is something I should make very clear here. Although I have no problem with people of colour teaching white people about the racial and ethnic discrimination we face or about our cultures—it is NOT people of colour’s job to be your teacher and educate you about issues you can easily research and learn by yourself. My issue is not educating white people per se but rather quite a lot of them do not bother to understand people of colour’s cultures and languages in the first place but expect that we respect their way of living while refusing to understand ours.
I do not have time or energy to “educate” a white person or their family on my culture if they are going to willingly misunderstand and be racist about it. In any case, we’re living in a very digital time where information and news are quite accessible. So, white people blaming their ignorance on “lack of information” or “lack of POC educating them” is a very poor argument.
Interestingly, the most racist white people I’ve met are the ones who claim they are “progressive” “liberal” and “woke.” When in reality, they are simply trying to score brownie points. I hate when white people come up to me and start speaking Yoruba randomly unprovoked in an attempt to impress me or try to brag to me that they know things about my culture or that they can pronounce my name correctly and expect a reaction out of me. What do you want me to do? Give you a trophy?
A film I believe that goes very well with this topic is Jordan Peele’s Get Out (2017). I would recommend watching and analysing it. It is so horrifically exquisite.
Race Fetishes Are Weird…
I’ve discussed the side of white people refusing to date a certain race or demographic because of racial bias and presumptions they make based on stereotypes. But, what about the ones who have a fetish for a race? It happens all the time. Not just white people but across race groups. When someone wants to date another person, not because of a connection they’ve made with the person or having feelings towards the person—simply because of the person’s race.
Some argue that people having a fetish for a particular race is “better” than if they were avoiding dating that race. I don’t know where this argument came from, that race fetishes are somehow the “nicer” option because, at the end of the day, both are dehumanising people of colour. The sexualisation and superhumanisation of POC is dehumanisation in a cape.
Claiming you have a “thing” for Asian women or Black men, and choosing to date members of these race groups simply because of their racial features is an insidious form of racism. It is not a compliment if someone says they want to date or marry you because of your race. Racial fetishisation is a form of racism that goes undetected as it is often hidden under the guise of “preference,” which makes it difficult to spot and call out.
A lot of people argue that having a race fetish is simply a “preference” they’re into. I want to highlight that someone saying they’re attracted to tall men or women with blonde hair is very DIFFERENT from saying you have a fetish for Black women or Māori men. This argument ignores the specific dynamics of racial power hierarchies that make racial fetishes more damaging than a simple romantic preference. As someone who has been on the receiving end of this behaviour, it does not feel like a compliment.
In fact, in Kiley Reid’s novel Such a Fun Age, the protagonist, Emira, dates an older white guy, Kelley, who she later realises, only dated her because she is black. Emira found out that nearly all of his exes have been Black women. In the end, she realises that Kelley simply used her to score brownie points to dismantle any allegations that he is racist.
Race fetishes are damaging because it reduces a person’s race down to being a sexualised object. It is demeaning to view people of colour through a fetish lens when in reality, we are all very different, and multidimensional and have many things to offer a potential partner outside of the rigid limits of what a race fetish offers—if it offers anything. Race fetishisation for people of colour can be painful as we can be seen as a commodity, something that should be tried and conquered. In the good words of Jasmine from Aladdin, “I am not a prize to be won.”
Some examples of racial fetishisation include:
Assuming all black women are provocative and want to sleep around.
Saying you have ‘Yellow Fever.’ (a slang term used to describe a white person who is sexually attracted to East Asian people)
Wanting to date Māori/Black male athletes because you think “it’s better.”
Saying you want to have kids with a person of colour so you can have mixed babies.
These racial fetishisations consciously and unconsciously contribute to unrealistic stereotypes (e.g. hypersexual, submissive, dominant, etc). Essentially these stereotypes are mechanisms of white supremacy—dictating who is or is not sexually attractive within this issue. Furthermore, it also shows racial fetishism’s violent history rooted in slavery and colonialism—look at how Black people’s bodies were eroticised by European colonisers throughout history.
Some People of Colour Are HATERS To Fellow People of Colour
Some people of colour can sometimes behave worse than racist white people. They’re often the ones who perpetuate racist beliefs and stereotypes of marginalised racial or ethnic groups against their race group. This usually manifests due to self-hatred and a belief in the superiority of whiteness.
The concept of a “white person fetish” relates to the idea of glorifying and idealising white people, stemming from internalised racism within people of colour. I have met fellow Black people who’ve developed a fetish for white people due to societal conditioning that often equates whiteness with beauty, success, and superiority. This “preference” is influenced by our media representation, different historical narratives, and systemic racism, leading to the internalisation of racist beliefs within people of colour. The historical dynamics between European colonisers and Indigenous people have contributed to the internalisation of racism among some people of colour.
Another big aspect I find that pushes a lot of people of colour to have self-hate is bullying and colourism within the communities they reside in. I know that a lot of Black people who got bullied growing up in predominantly white spaces that valued whiteness can cause a lot of young Black people to develop and internalise these beliefs. Reinforced by the desire for acceptance within white social circles, some may start pushing back against their own race group to fit in.
But of course, it is not just white people or white media that contribute to internalised racism within people of colour. Sometimes it is people of colour that start it. Within a lot of communities of colour, there exists a complex hierarchy based on skin tone, where lighter skin is associated with beauty and privilege while darker skin is stigmatised. This is called, Colourism.
From my observations, I’ve seen cases where Black families will have two kids—one kid will be darkly skinned while the other might be light skinned—99% of the time, the lighter-skinned child is the favourite. This leads the other child who is dark to idealise lighter-skinned people and have a toxic desire to become light-skinned. Or the dark-skinned child might internalise self-hatred and contribute to the “white person fetish” by bullying fellow dark-skinned POC as a coping mechanism to assimilate into the dominant culture.
“I met a woman who told me she wasn't attracted to Asians. No worries, I said. I'm not attracted to racists.” — Simon Tam