As a writer, I usually detach and act abruptly with people and the real world. I put all my focus into my writing because it gives me the tools to bridge the gap and connect deeply, emotionally, with myself. I’m trying so hard to focus on the feelings inside of me, without judging them. Sometimes, I question myself on whether I’m fake. My sense of being fake stems from my detached feelings about the world and society, but it does not negate the genuine qualities I have. Creativity is a process.
I tend to distance myself first in my relationships with people once I feel nobody is listening to me. It is one of the main reasons why I don’t do friend groups anymore. There have been instances of walking with friends and being the one who has to walk behind the duo or being unable to relate to the interests and conversations of those around me—so I take on the role of comedic relief. My humour makes up for it.
One thing my close friends know about me is that I’m not desperate.
If you’re not listening to me, I will distance myself.
I struggle to hold conversations if I feel I’m the only one present in them. I need it to be person-to-person, not person-talking-to-empty-space. I hate feeling like I’m the only one interested in the conversation. I hate having to repeat myself more than once which is just humiliating that I wasn’t intriguing enough to be heard the first time. These feelings pass through me and I’ve learnt to sit with them contently, in all the discomfort. It ties in with how I feel about my responsibilities and creative mind.
I get myself tied to my ability to balance my individuality with my responsibilities. It is a scary line to walk on. One of my friends I hadn’t seen in a while told me one day when we were on the grass, eating and enjoying the warm breeze, “Tunmise, you’re smarter than you think.” I thought it was a cute flattering compliment but we all are smarter than we think. The other day, I cried in bed because of this internal conflict between my rational thoughts and emotional processing. I can control my emotions, but it is challenging to validate myself without seeking approval from others. If you feel the same, I urge you to release the grip of self-doubt and embrace the power of your intellect. Our thoughts hold the key to unlocking our true potential.
I resumed my yoga and pilates again. I stopped doing them for a long time because I was busy juggling my emotions with my schedule. Yoga gives me a strong emotional connection to home and being grounded, cultivating my inner world and finding solace in nurturing and tending my body in intimate moments in the sunrises. It gives me that sense of stability and grounds me within, regardless of what is happening outside. It makes me feel rooted like a world becoming a garden. I’m learning to be like Pluto, observing the planets and stars but not fighting against them.
“There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart.” — Jane Austen
i connect with this very deeply. thank you